Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
