he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
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