All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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