we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
