I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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