We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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