I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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