I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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