help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
