I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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