Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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