you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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