did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
