I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
