I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
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Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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