Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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