Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Bring me that man meat
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
