And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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