just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
