This is not my ceiling
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
