I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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