I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
