and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
