when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
