I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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