Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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