Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
