God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Duck Duck Cougar?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
