I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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