i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
