I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
