I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
