Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
