Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
