bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
