I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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