Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
