Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
