You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
