Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
