someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
