So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
