yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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