After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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