One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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