he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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