He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We need to rekindle our bromance
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
