Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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