i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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