I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize