I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
