It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
