I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
