The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
