Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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