my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
