went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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