Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
