My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
