You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
third nipple confirmed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
