I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
