Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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