i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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