Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
