I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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